Of Stalkers and Very Bad Advice
by Radioactive Ferret
Summary: Zuko gets an OCD stalker, and turns to the Aang Gang for help. SokkaZuko Slash eventually. Extreme sarcasm. You have been warned. Rated for language and future scenes... Crackfic slight OOC
1. In Which Zuko Gets A Stalker

Author's note: Alright crew, I'm sorry I have been neglecting my writing duties as of late. This drabble is a result of sleep deprivation and an hour of Carlos Mencia (sp?) DVDs. Basically, if Zuko and Sokka were to hook up, it would be under circumstances similar to these. The chick Tenku is a representation of 'Mary-Sue', cuz I had to do some bashing on that. I hate Mary-Sues.

::Disclaimer:: Your Mistress Ferret and her minions do not own Avatar. If they did, Zuko and Sokka would hook up. So would Azula and Ty Lee.

* * *

Alright, people honestly wonder why I haven't taken much interest in the female population. Normally, I don't feel the need to explain myself, but people are suddenly coming to the conclusion that I am sleeping with Ty Lee. No doubt those rumors were started by a certain sister of mine. 

Anyways, 'it' started sometime after midnight about two weeks ago. This chick had been following me around for about a month and, obviously, I didn't even notice her until my uncle pointed her out. I mean, seriously, not _every_ guy is like the Water Tribe boy—meaning they don't all drool over every creature with tits and a pulse. For some reason, people just can't accept that. But my point is, this chick was following me for _ages_ before she was pointed out to me. At first, it didn't bother me. I get this kind of thing a lot. But then it got weird.

I mean _REALLY_ weird.

The minute she realized I was aware of her, she made sure to always be in my line of sight. After that, I saw her licking a doorknob I had just touched. But even that wasn't the weirdest part. The weirdest part happened the next morning.

I woke up to a strange smell. Not like the smell of Uncle Iroh's tea leaf concoctions, but like some sort of perfume—much like the contents of those bottles Azula used to throw at me when she was pissed. My first though was 'Oh shit, she found me!'. My second though was 'What the FUCK are you doing in my bed, you crazy woman?' Yup, you guessed it! She was in my bed! At first, I thought I had too much to drink the night before, but once I noticed the lack of a hangover, I began to panic.

"Oh, you're awake!" she giggled, as though it was perfectly normal to climb into some random guy's bed in the middle of the night. "I thought you were gunna sleep all day!" All day? Hah! The sun wasn't even up!

Okay, is it just me, or is that just a bit… I dunno… _unnatural?_ "Uh… have we met?" I asked incredulously.

For a moment, she looked angry, but then she started to giggle again. "Silly, don't even joke like that! Don't tell me you don't remember!"

I was dreading the answer as I asked, "Remember what?"

The giggling again. I don't particularly enjoy hitting women (Azula doesn't count), but this girl was pushing it.

"Alright, at least tell me your name, and why you're in my bed—you're dressed, aren't you?" Her face turned bright red, and a split second later, I found myself flat on the floor, the whole left side of my face stinging. "What the _hell?"_ I shouted.

"You pervert!"

"What was I supposed to think? I have no clue who you are, and you randomly show up in my bed saying I didn't remember something! On that topic, WHO ARE YOU?"

"Well, geez, you don't have to yell! My name's Tenku, and we got married last night."

"THAT'S A FILTHY LIE!!" I shouted. "I came right upstairs after I cleaned up that mess the new serving girl made when she dropped the pitcher!"

"And then what? Think carefully…"

"I went to bed! Now get out before I throw you out!" That finally seemed to get her pissed.

"Fine! I will! And I'll raise OUR child all alone!" Tenku. Game, set, and match.

"What??" I all but screeched. "OUR child? I am POSITIVE I didn't sleep with you!"

"Oh really?"

Now, am I honestly alone in thinking it's right to kick a woman like this out, even if she _is_ pregnant? Because I remember everything up to when I fell asleep, and I'm a very light sleeper. I don't do things while half-asleep and forget about them the next morning. Besides, I wasn't even that tired the night before! So I think it's safe to say that I did _not_ make indecent advances on this chick. Anyways, she wasn't even that hot. Sure, she had a cute face, but her curves were… well… more or less NONEXISTENT.

It was then, right when I was thinking that things couldn't get any worse, that there was a knock at my door. "Yes, uncle?" I asked, making a dash for the door and opening it. "You needed something?"

He took one look at the situation, and instantly took on the look of the Avatar when I catch him on unawares with a fireball. "Am I… interrupting something?"

"No!" I insisted, right as Tenku scowled, "Yes!"

"I see…" he said, getting 'the look'. You know the one. The 'You-Like-Her-And-You-And-I-Both-Know-It' look. "I'll just go back to bed and leave you two to—"

"No!" I pleaded. "Please don't leave me with this crazy bitch!"

"Ex-CUSE me?" Tenku shouted. "That's it! I'll be downstairs!" And, to my relief, she stormed out.

"Zuko! What was that?"

"I am going to kill her," I said simply.

"What happened?" he asked, sitting on my bed. "I heard shouting from my room."

"I woke up, and she was in my bed! I have no clue who she is, and she claims we got married last night and she's pregnant with my kid!"

"Did you?" he asked eagerly. "Is she my new niece?"

"NO!" I shouted again, pressing my thumbs into my temples. "I didn't marry her, nor did I do anything ELSE with her!"

"Then what's going on?"

"I don't know! You've gotta help me, Uncle!"

"Hmmm…" He thought for a moment, then snapped his fingers. "I've got it!"

"What? You know how to get rid of her?" I asked happily.

"No, not quite. But I know someone who does…"

"Well? Who?" It can't get worse, can it?

"Do you remember that girl… Katara?" Head, meet wall. It can, obviously, get worse.

"Tell me you're joking." He shook his head. He wasn't. Don't I just have the greatest luck? "What can _she_ do?"

"She's a woman, in case you hadn't noticed. She might know what's going on here."

I thought for a moment. Both scenes played out before my eyes: Katara laughing at my asking her for help, and being stuck with Tenku for the rest of my life, or until I went frothing mad. I considered staying with Tenku until rational thought set in. "Fine. I'll ask her."

* * *

Okay, what did you think? I love writing from Zuko's point of view! Uh… did I keep him in character, do you think? I kept trying to write something that sounded like a comical Hitler/Kenny thing, but I fixed it a bit in the end. R&R, mes amis! 


	2. At least Katara finds this funny

Author's note: Chapter two. I'm running out of steam… need… help… If you have any ideas, please share! Thank you!

::Disclaimer:: Your Mistress Ferret and her minions do not own Avatar. If they did, Zuko and Sokka would hook up. So would Azula and Ty Lee.

* * *

The dreaded morning came. Okay, there she was. Just ignore her, and run right into her. Make it look like an accident…

"Zuko?"

Shit, she saw me. "Uh, hi?" I said, trying to be at least semi-friendly. Seems that was a bad idea.

"'Hi'?" she asked in disbelief. "No 'Where's the Avatar?' or attempts on my life?"

"I didn't come here to fight you," I tried to explain. "You see, I've got this problem…"

"Really?" she asked skeptically. "What kind of 'problem'?"

"Its name is Tenku, and it is stalking me." And it was about here that I lost her. She started to laugh… and laugh… and laugh… and laugh some more. "No, listen, I'm serious!" I exclaimed. "Wherever I go, she's _always there!_ I woke up, and she was sleeping in my _bed!_" And thus, Katara was prompted to laugh harder until she was rolling on the ground, slapping her thighs.

"Katara?!" came another voice from behind a fruit vendor. "Katara, you okay?" Shit, not him.

"YOU!" shouted her oh-so-annoying brother, pointing that ridiculous boomerang thing at me. "Wha'd you do to Katara?!"

"_Nothing, _you—"

"Sokka, this is priceless!" gasped Katara. I braced myself for the worst. "ZUKO HAS A STALKER!" Cue to insane laughter on Katara's part.

"Well, it serves you right," said the little dipshit of an Airbender, smirking. "How's it feel to have someone following you?"

"Before you continue with your little tirade, Avatar, consider this: Did this person who followed you EVER claim to be carrying your child, crawl into your bed, then slap you across the face?" I asked calmly.

"Well… no. But…

"Wait! Waitwaitwaitwait wait wait. Wait. Wait." The little blind girl finally spoke. "Are you saying… your stalker…"

"Yes." Katara laughed harder, and I think half the blood in her body was gathered in her cheeks. "So… will you help me?"

"How can we say no?" Katara said, finally calming down. Curse her to hell. She's never gonna let me live this down; I just know it. "But, on one condition."

"Name it," I said hastily.

"You do EXACTLY as we say."

I knew I would live to regret every ounce of discomfort the Fire Nation had EVER caused this group.


	3. The idea

::Disclaimer:: Your Mistress Ferret and her minions do not own Avatar. If they did, Zuko and Sokka would hook up. So would Azula and Ty Lee.

* * *

"Alright, now. Let's hear it. What's going on with this stalker of yours?" Katara had, thankfully, calmed down, and seemed to be back to normal.

"It's exactly as I told you. She follows me EVERYwhere, and she's just plain weird." I shivered at the thought.

"Sound like someone you know, Aang?" whispered Sokka to the Avatar. Yeah, genius, I'm only _right in front of you._ Not like I can't hear a word you're saying.

"Well, I have a perfect solution!" said the blind girl… Toph, I think her name was. "Kill her!"

"I can't. My uncle won't allow it." I scowled. "This was his idea."

"He's got a point, Toph," said Katara. "We can't just up and kill all the annoying people in the world."

"A pity," she muttered, looking in Sokka's direction.

Katara, however, was looking at her brother in a whole new light… and it really worried me. I mean, it's no secret that he would like nothing more than to cut off my head and rip out my heart, so if whatever their little scheme is, if I have to be any closer to that Water Tribe freak, I just might barbeque him and feed him to the lemur.

"Toph, I think I've got a brilliant idea!" she grinned, leaning in to whisper in Toph's ear. Toph's grin was starting to worry me.

"Katara, you are BRILLIANT!" Both turned to Sokka. "C'mere a second…"

"What's going on?" I asked, slightly panicked. "What does HE have to do with it?"

Katara stood up slowly, brushed off her skirt, then grinned evilly. And I mean EVILLY. Then she pointed to Sokka. "Zuko, meet your new boyfriend."

"WHAT?!" both of us practically screamed. "NO!!"

"Katara, what the hell?" he whined. "No!"

"How is this supposed to help?!" I shouted. "I'm trying to get rid of one freak, not gain another!"

"Seriously, Zuko, she can't be all that bad!" reasoned Sokka.

"Yes, she is!" I replied. "You haven't seen her!"

"Hey!" shouted Toph. "Both of you shut up. Zuko, you swore to do whatever we told you to. And Sokka, if you honestly think you have a _choice_ in this…"

"I do too!"

Hello, Katara's Temper. Insert Jedi hand-wave thing here I am not the poor fool you are looking for. "BOTH OF YOU!" she roared. "THIS WILL WORK! TRUST ME! Zuko, if you don't want my help, you can leave now." She pointed to the door. I didn't budge. Maybe this was just a joke. "Good."

"But Katara, do I—" began Sokka. Evil feminine glare. Battle over, Katara and Toph win.

I'm screwed.


	4. Differences

::Disclaimer:: Your Mistress Ferret and her minions do not own Avatar. If they did, Zuko and Sokka would hook up. So would Azula and Ty Lee.

* * *

Let us begin with a cliché. Karma's a bitch. There, I said it. And it is beyond true. And judging by what's happening now, I must've been a serial killer in a past life. Why, you ask? What could possibly be _that_ bad? Oh, I dunno, perhaps _being locked in a room with that Water Tribe boy who is supposed to pretend to be my lover!!_

"So… When is she letting us out?" he asked, glaring at the door.

"She said tomorrow morning, and it's almost noon now…" I sighed and stared out the window. "What did she want us to do in here?"

"Your guess is as good as mine. Probably survive each other's company." I rolled my eyes. Yeah, like that'll be difficult. We were both avoiding the obvious issue, so I decided to mention it.

"How are we going to pull this off? I'm already sick of you, and it's only been five minutes."

"Oh, that's nice," he muttered. "We might as well get this over with, I suppose."

That sounded wrong. Really wrong. "What do you mean?"

"Well, it'll be over faster if we do this charade right, won't it?" he reasoned. "Guess we should listen to them." I hate it when he's right. Because, you know, he's _him_. And he sucks. "You know, I don't like this any more than you do, so at least try and make it a bit easier!" Uh, let me think… no. True, I don't want to do this, but damned if I'll make it easy. "Hello? You listening?"

"No," I said sarcastically. There was an exasperated sigh from behind me. "Okay, fine. What's your idea?" If he would just shut up for the rest of the time we're locked in here, I would not be able to begin to express my undying joy…

"We could just do what they say…"

The scenery below was getting boring, so I turned back to Sokka. "You know them better than I do. What are they going to make us do?"

"Anything that humors them. Toph's getting revenge on me, and it's obvious that Katara hates you. And let's just say I've gone out of my way to bug her a few times." Oh, great. I'm stuck between two siblings. Now let's see… if Azula had us trapped in a room, what would _she_—agh, bad images! Bad images! I know _exactly_ what she'd make us do!

Another thing I hate about Sokka, while I'm on topic, is that he seems to know exactly what I'm thinking. He's always done that. Either he's psychic, or I'm just easy to read. "Uh, I don't think we'll have to do _that_…" he said slowly. "Katara's not as cruel as your sister."

He had a point, but… Hey! Wait a minute! "Cruel? Are you trying to insult me?"

"No…" Come on, think… Wait for it… wait for it… "Oh, no, I didn't mean it like that!" Elevator has reached the top! Congratulations, Sokka! "That didn't come out the way I had hoped it would."

Weird. Was that an apology I heard? "Uh, yeah, it's okay." I said, a bit uncomfortably. He shrugged, and sat against the wall. "How much longer until they let us out?" I asked.

"Awhile…" he mused, glancing at the door. For the umpteenth time, I considered burning the door down. However, doing so would likely mean instant death, so, for the umpteenth time, I reconsidered. "Katara! We're civil! Can we come out now?"

"No! Get acquainted first, then we'll see!"

"'Get acquainted'?" I asked, horrified. Then I remembered. All women are in cahoots with each other SOMEhow. Even Azula and Katara. Given different circumstances, the two of them would probably have been best friends, which means that Sokka and I would be united against them. For some reason, that train of thought sparked the coal in _another_ train of thought.

_Maybe we're more alike than I thought._

Weird. He's fighting for his people, and I'm fighting for mine. His mother's dead, according to Katara, and so is mine. I'm pretty sure this isn't all a coincidence. Perhaps this _will_ work after all.

"Sooo…" he began slyly. "I hear your sister's single…" Oh hell no. Sokka, meet fireball. "HEY!! KATARA, HEEELLLPPPP!!!!"

I guess we've got a lot of work to do.


	5. Jailbreak

::Disclaimer:: Your Mistress Ferret and her minions do not own Avatar. If they did, Zuko and Sokka would hook up. So would Azula and Ty Lee.

* * *

It was almost midnight, and Sokka had long since slipped into dreamland. I, on the other hand, was kept awake by his constant snores. I considered cauterizing his nose and mouth shut, but then realized that the feminine half of this evil plot would fillet me. Abort the plan! Maybe I could sneak out the window for a few hours of freedom before these idiots woke up. I mean, they _had_ to be asleep by now, right? I had just managed to melt one of the hinges on the window when I heard Sokka move. "Zuko? What're you doing?" he muttered groggily.

"I'm taking a break from this. I'll be back before dawn." When I say 'I'm taking a break from this', I mean that I'm taking a break from _him_. But does he catch on?

"Can I come?"

Obviously not. But hey, he might be some help if I run into that Tenku bitch again. "If you stay quiet. I don't need your sister making this any worse than it is."

"My lips are sealed." I rolled my eyes. It wasn't his lips I was worried about. I was willing to bet the floor would creak the moment he _looked_ at it. But, to my intense surprise and relief, he managed to move without a sound… until we got about halfway down the street. Then he tripped.

Ha ha, sucker!

Unfortunately, he caught me on unawares when he decided to chuck a sizeable rock at me. Ow. So, there we were, sitting in the road, spitting up dirt and sand, all the while looking like complete morons. Lovely. We looked at each other for a moment, both wanting to blame the other (because it was OBVIOUSLY his fault), but after a few tense seconds, he started to laugh. And I joined him.

So, I'm laughing my ass off while Sokka is rolling on the floor, trying to keep quiet, but doing a horribly shitty job of it. Yup, this must be it. The Apocalypse. And speaking of the end of the world…

I didn't notice her at first, but a smack of cold water brought Sokka and I back to our senses. Apparently the loudmouth beside me had woke the girls. See? I knew it was a bad idea for him to come! "Enjoying yourselves?" Toph asked sarcastically.

"Uh…" It was a momentary thing, I swear it! For some reason, laughter seems to leave a person vulnerable to logic. 'Uh' will never be my reply again!

"You two seem to be getting along better," observed Katara. I was about to deny it, but then logic returned and punched me in the face.

"Guess so," I replied.

"I hit him with a rock! You shoulda seen the look on his face!" snickered Sokka. Okay, asshole, you made your point.

"At least I didn't trip over my own feet," I retorted.

"Yeah, well, it was your fault!"

"_MY_ fault? I was walking in _front_ of you!"

Toph and Katara sighed, then turned back to the house. "Go back to bed, you two," called Toph. "Or we'll tie you both in the same one." THAT shut us up.

So, we were right back where we started, only a bit more civilized. No one could get to sleep afterwards, so everyone just hung out in the main room, doing whatever.

Around two AM, I must've fallen asleep, because I woke up in the corner of the room. I don't remember going over there, but I was glad to _finally_ have gotten some sleep. The other four were gathered across the room, playing some sort of game that, in all truth, looked really boring. I considered going back to sleep, but just watching them was more interesting. I had never really taken the time to actually _watch_ people before. Well, okay, I used to when I was younger, but once my mother died, I just stopped and focused on what my father wanted me to do. And we see how well _that_ turned out, don't we?

They actually interested me—especially the Avatar. Not because I was trying to capture him and take him to my father, but because of what he did to people. He was uniting them, and giving them strength. I didn't notice it right away—not until we joined forces to beat the tar out of Azula. Maybe he's the one who caused my feelings of doubt. I still wanted to destroy him, but once that I had the opportunity, I hesitated. I was sitting in a friggen corner watching them play some dice game, for hell's sake! And asking for their help? I still can't believe I let Uncle Iroh talk me into it. But, as much as I hate to admit it, they really aren't that bad. Not even Sokka, as much as it pains me to say.

I really don't think this lover act will be so hard.


	6. One big misunderstanding

Disclaimer: Still don't own it! But, seeing as Zuko and Sokka aren't going at it, you probably already knew that.

PLEASE SEE THE BOTTOM FOR IMPORTANT AUTHOR'S NOTE!

* * *

I woke up the next morning with the bitch-mother of all backaches. Probably something to do with sleeping against that wall in a weird position for seven hours. Either way, it did _not_ help my temper that morning.

And unfortunately for the first living thing to cross my path, I'm not one to hide my emotions.

Unfortunately for me, that 'first living thing to cross my path' was Sokka. The one I'm supposed to be dating. And to make it worse, I'm not finding this whole plan as disgusting as I would like.

Katara had better pray I don't survive Tenku's wrath, because if this works I swear to god I'll throttle her.

Lucky for me, Sokka isn't as stupid as his friends think he is. It must be something with Water Tribe people—sensing emotions—because he barely said a word to me until Katara put us to work washing dishes (together, of course). What, you think she'd make it easy? Hah! I wouldn't put it past Katara to drag clean dishes through the mud so we'd have to spend more time together! (She did, by the way, just in case you were wondering. Wench.)

"Are you okay?" he asked, initiating a conversation out of nothingness. Wow! A magic trick!

"Yes," I replied coldly. "No thanks to your damn rock."

He snorted, then resumed scrubbing a particularly dirty bowl. "No thanks to your weird sleeping mannerisms, you mean."

I blinked. Mannerisms? That had four syllables in it! Where'd he learn a word like that?

He must've read my face again, because this time he scowled. "Look, just because I don't like being serious doesn't mean I'm stupid. And even if I'm not any kind of bender, that doesn't make me weak. So you can just stop thinkin—"

"I don't think you're weak," I said, and much to my surprise, I actually meant it.

But, this seemed to be the wrong thing to say. "But you think I'm stupid," he snapped.

"No, I—" I struggled for words to explain myself. "Look, why do you even care what I think? I know exactly what you think about me, and I don't complain."

"Of course you don't! There's nothing for you to deny!" he shouted, throwing the bowl back in the sink. Any other day, I might have complained about the splash of dirty water, but this was getting too personal for my liking. "You're cruel, you're arrogant, and you don't care who you hurt, as long as you can capture Aang! You don't _care_ that he's the only hope these people have! You don't care about anyone but yourself!"

I wouldn't know until later that the bowl I'd been holding had burned to ashes. I was shaking with rage as I heard his tirade. "You don't know anything," I whispered hoarsely. "You don't know ANYTHING!"

"I know that you'd kill my sister just to crush the hope of the whole world!" he shouted. "And for what? Honor? Glory?"

I swear to god, I do not remember punching him. I don't remember stabbing at him, burning him or being stabbed and punched in return. All I remember is being thrown bodily against the wall as the dishwater froze and wound itself around my throat.

"Stop it!" shrieked Katara. Her voice was thick. She was crying. For a moment, I thought she was screaming at me, but then I heard the Avatar speak.

"Sokka, please! Knock it off!" My eyes finally cleared, and I saw him. He was held back with the majority of Katara's water, and was still struggling.

Toph shook her head. "Honestly, can't we turn our backs for a minute with you two?"

"Get off me!" he shouted. "I'll kill him!"

Oh, come _on!_ It's not my fault he's an over-sensitive, whiny bitch.

Oddly enough, Katara seemed to be able to read minds too. "Oh, _that's_ real mature, Sokka," she said through her tears. "I heard everything. Maybe you didn't get it, but Zuko was trying to apologize to you! You didn't even listen to him!"

"So?" snapped Sokka. "That doesn't change anything—"

"You don't even know anything about him!"

The four basic ways for word to spread are as follows: Telephone, telegram, telegraph, tell-a-girl. Yup, you guessed it. Katara told him everything I told her.

Everything.

So now he knew. And by knowing about my past, he knows my every weakness, even if he isn't aware of it.

* * *

Okay, there will be some SokkaXZuko action next chapter, I swear! To all those who have stuck with me through this, THANK YOU BUNCHES! I've been trying to get my novel finished and published, so most of my creative juices have gone into that. I'm sorry. Also, this one isn't quite as funny as the others, but I'll make up for it next chapter with the holy YAOI!

OH! Do you guys want a lemon in here? I write em sometimes, so if you'd like one, just say so!


	7. Apology Accepted?

Disclaimer: Nope, not mine yet. One day though... (shakes fist at the heavens)

* * *

I sat in the house's only empty room for about two hours, silently fuming. I was beyond pissed, and when beyond pissed, I liked to fight, bite and burn.

The first and last weren't possible at the present, so I flopped down on the bed and chewed viciously on a corner of the pillow. Childish, I know, but I can't even mutter to myself without Toph hearing me! It's like 'Big Brother's watching you'. Except I think there was a part in that where people weren't allowed to have sex, except to conceive a baby.

I punched the pillow as hard as I could. I'm sorry; did the thought of sex for fun really just cross my mind at a time like this? As for everything hellish going on in my life right now, I think I'll blame Sokka for it. After all, he's the whole reason I can't think straight right now. For once, I made an honest effort to be civil to that creature, and he slaps me in the face with all the assumptions everyone makes about me from the moment they lay eyes on me! I'm not happy-go-nice-nice like Ty Lee. I'm not compassionate like Katara. And I don't fight for what I believe to be 'right' like the Avatar. People look at what I'm _not_, and they instantly think they know what I _am_!

"Then what are you?"

I looked up. Rather, I tumbled out of bed, arms windmilling, with a soggy pillow corner clamped firmly in my mouth. Then I realized I'd said that last part out loud.

And Sokka heard it.

"What do _you_ want?" I spat past the pillow.

"I want to talk."

I felt my canines puncture the pillowcase. "So talk," I said simply.

"Not here," he said. "Outside."

I didn't want to get up. I didn't want to spit out the pillow. And I did NOT want to so much as _look_ at Sokka.

But I did.

We walked down the street for a few minutes in silence, until Sokka reached out and nicked something from a passing cart. "Here," he said, passing me a large pear. "Don't tell Katara I did that. She'll skin me alive." He took a bite of his, chewed noisily, and swallowed. "What? Aren't you gonna eat it?"

"What did you want to talk about?" I asked, still feeling pretty pissed. If you couldn't tell by now, I have anger issues. Yes, I've finally admitted it! Go me!

There was a long silence, then, "I'm sorry."

"What?" I blinked. "Wait, what?"

"You heard me. I'm sorry." He took another bite out of his pear. "For what I said. I didn't mean it."

I snorted, finally taking a bite out of my pear. "Not now you don't. You did before."

"I didn't know—"

"Well, that's a bit of an understatement."

"—about your mother," he finished.

I choked on the fruit, then glared at him. "What?" I snarled.

"I'm sure Katara told you, but we lost our mother when we were kids," he said. He wasn't looking at me, and could've been speaking to the half-eaten piece of fruit in his hand, for all I knew. "She took it harder than I did. I wanted to be with my father, and I wanted to get revenge. But my father wouldn't let me. He said I had to take care of Katara."

"Where are you going with this?" I asked.

He finally looked at me. "She suffered. Almost every night, she went to bed crying. Instead of trying to help her, all I did was teach myself to fight. Every time I saw her cry, I only hated Firebenders more. They weren't human to me anymore. I wanted to kill them."

"Is that why you hate me?" I said softly.

"It wasn't just you. I even hated Aang for a bit when he started Firebending. But no. The reason I hated you was because you're the Prince of the Fire Nation. I hate Firebenders, and the minute Katara was in danger from you, I wanted you to die."

"Killing Firebenders won't bring back your mother." I wished I still had the pillow to chew on.

He shook his head. "I know that. I've always known that, I think. But..." With a sigh, he tossed his pear to a passing cat. "I think hearing it from you makes more sense."

"How so?"

"Because, in a way, I guess you're telling me I'm the same way I imagined all Firebenders to be."

Then he reached out towards me. Something unexpected, but he didn't seem likely to kill me, so I didn't move. The tips of his fingers brushed my face, right over the scar on my eye.

"I'm sorry," he said again, a bit softer this time.

"Your hands are cold," I whispered.

"Oh." He moved to pull his hand back. "I'm s—"

"Will you stop apologizing?" I said, exasperated, pressing his hand back to my face. "It feels nice."

I almost laughed at the look on his face, but honestly, his hands really _did_ feel nice. Almost as though he could do that healing thing his sister could. He pressed his other hand to my face as well, and I practically felt my legs melting away beneath me. Something about his hands... They weren't icy, but they didn't have much warmth in them, either. I could feel the heavy calluses on his palms from long hours practicing with that boomerang thing, but there was something of his sister in the gentleness of his touch.

Then it changed. I think he made the first move, but next thing I knew, there we were, tied in a lip-lock in front of an old cabbage vendor, all the Spirits, and pretty much anyone else who cared to have a look.

And I didn't give a damn.

It was a weird feeling. Not unpleasant; quite the contrary, actually. Just... odd. There was the slight ick-factor of having another guy's tongue in my mouth, but something about the taboo of it all just made me want more. For the first time in years, all the tension seemed to lift, and I forgot everything. My father, Azula, Uncle Iroh, Tenku...

But then he stopped. Damnit! "What's... wrong?" I asked, slightly breathless. Damn him, he's good.

"Either some random voyeur girl is watching us, or I've found your stalker," he muttered. The stress came back at me full-force. Shitshitshit!

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU _DOING_?!" Tenku bellowed, eyes overflowing with tears. "You can't kiss _him_! We're _married!_ I'm PREGNANT!!"

Sokka snorted in laughter, then covered it up with a coughing fit.

But I wasn't looking at him, and I didn't feel his arms wrapped around my waist. I was looking at Tenku's stomach. I'd never looked before, mostly because it was too dark to see much of her clearly when we met. But now I noticed it. Her stomach was rounded—and it wasn't fat.

I _know_ I didn't marry her, I _know_ I didn't sleep with her, and I _know _that if she keeps pushing Sokka's buttons, he'll go slice-and-dice on her ass.

But that doesn't explain the baby...

* * *

DUN DUN DUUUNNN!!! Stay tuned, guys! (waves) Byeeee! 


	8. Amnesia

DISCLAIMER!!! Nope, don't own it. But believe me, you'd know if I did.

Author's note: I'm actually considering putting a plot in here! Go me! So, does anyone want the lemon? (tosses the fruit) It's up for grabs! just don't get it in your eyes. Man oh man will that burn. Ouch.

* * *

You know, it's girls like Tenku that make guys like me end up in the loony bin. Oh boy! Basket-weaving, here I come::insert false joy here:: Son of a bitch.

Although... Maybe if I use some of my mad Firebending skills, I can roast her to a crisp and somehow make it look like an accident. Now to find a convenient torch or candle or whatnot...

FUCK MY LUCK!!!

IS _ONE_ CANDLE TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR??

And let me add right now that Sokka is _not_ making anything easier. "Can I kill her?" he asked for the umpteenth time. "Can I? Please?"

"_No_," I replied. "Shut up."

He was quiet for a moment. "How bout _now_?"

"SOKKA. SHUT UP."

"Okay, okay, sheesh."

When reason doesn't work, try volume. However, I don't think this will work on Crazy-Bitch Numero Uno. "How could you?!" she wailed, making a huge scene that would shame even Azula. "I thought... you promised..."

Lucky for me, I have apathy on my side. Tears shall not move me! Hah! "Promised what? I just met you yesterday!"

She wailed again, getting the attention of practically everyone on the street. "How could you do this to me?" she sobbed. "You s-said you l-loved m-me!"

"Oh, knock it _off_ already!" exclaimed Sokka finally. "You're not fooling anyone with your little sob-act!"

Kudos to him; I didn't think it would work. But, sure enough, her tears stopped, and her trembling lip was replaced with a scowl. "Keep your hands off him!" she snapped. "He's mine!"

"Oh yeah?" he said challengingly. "Doesn't look like it!"

It's at times like these that I really wonder what I did to deserve the misfortunes of my life. Honestly, did I wipe out the Airbenders or something in a past life? Actually, I probably did. But even so, I still don't deserve this shit! I don't care if I wiped out the whole _world_ in a past life—I still shouldn't have to put up with Crazy-Bitch!

So why don't I just smack her and be done with it, you ask? Well, this is the complicated part. You see, the minute Sokka started mouthing off to her, she slammed her fist into the ground and a pillar of rock shot up from beneath his feet.

Yeah... So now I have a psycho _Earthbender_ bitch stalking me. Can today possibly get any better?

Well, yes, apparently, especially since Sokka is the type of idiot who doesn't know when to quit. Instead of shutting his cavernous pie-hole like I told him to, he took Tenku's attack as permission to kill. He failed miserably of course, but it was amusing to watch her panic. Honestly, this is like middle-school drama or something, and hells know I hate drama.

"You didn't say she was an Earthbender, you ass!" Sokka shouted angrily as Tenku sent a hailstorm of rocks after him.

Gee, you think?

"If you really think I knew beforehand..." I said, rolling my eyes.

"Yeah, yeah, I—OW! That hurt, you wench!" Crazy-Bitch continued throwing rocks at Sokka. "Hey, a little help here?"

"Alright, alright!" I finally shouted. "You... Tenku, right? What do you want?"

The rocks immediately fell. "An explanation would be nice," she growled.

I shrugged. Best keep it simple. "I went to visit some friends and hooked up with one of 'em." Uh, I think this is just funny to me because you guys can't see her face. There's no way I'll be able to describe it well enough for you to fully grasp the pure joy I felt, but I'll try.

She had this hopeful look at first, almost like she expected me to say 'it's not what you think', but the minute she heard the whole sentence, her face dropped like someone smashed a jug of water. Her eyes sorta bulged like a frog's, her mouth hung open like a baby bird's, and she just had this... well, _ugly_... overall look.

"You... _what?_" she wheezed.

"Tenku, meet Sokka." I pointed to the Water Tribe's village idiot. "Sokka, Tenku." I pointed at Crazy-Bitch.

"Since when have we been 'friends'?" asked Sokka suspiciously. "Aren't you trying to kill us?"

"Not kill you, no," I said lightly. "Maybe maim you."

"Oh, okay then. That works."

"You... you..." snarled Tenku.

"Oh, yes, and along those lines, I'd like an explanation from _you_," I said. "For starters, how the hell did you get in my room?"

Tenku snarled. "The window. Like you told me to."

"Uh huh," I said doubtfully. "Look, how long have you been Earthbending?"

"Since I was three. Why?"

Sokka asked the question both of us were thinking. "Did ya hit your head on a rock?"

"I most certainly did not!" she exclaimed. "And if you want to just leave me here and run off with your _new_ lover, be my guest!"

She finally turned to walk away. But damnit, she had a point. So did Sokka, actually. What if she _had_ hit her head? It would explain a lot, and lately, I seem to have a mini- Uncle Iroh sitting on my shoulder, telling me what to do. (There's a mini-Azula on my other shoulder, but I try my best to ignore her.) And my Mini-Uncle would never let me hear the end of it if I let a girl with amnesia wander the streets alone in a time like this. My life-sized Uncle refers to this Mini-Uncle as my "conscience", but I still don't believe him, mostly because it doesn't explain the Mini-Azula, who was screaming for me to barbeque both Tenku _and_ Sokka.

"Wait..." I called. "Tenku..."

"What?" she snapped.

"You're a bitch!" called Sokka.

"Go suck yourself!" she shrieked.

I clapped a hand over Sokka's mouth. "Look, I'm sorry. Do you want to... I dunno... come visit my friends?" I offered, though mentally I was agreeing 100 with Sokka.

The happy, disgustingly hopeful look sprung up full-force on her face and she squealed with joy. "I'd love to! Thank you so much!!"

"What the hell!" shouted Sokka. "Are you out of your _mind_?!"

Ah, figures. He can't make it easy, can he? "I'll explain later," I muttered. "Okay?"

"I am never speaking to you again," he grumbled.

Yeah, whatever. We'll just see about that, now won't we?


	9. Toph in a frilly pink dress

Ferret's note: Alright, I FINALLY got off my boozin' ass and wrote! Go me! Um, sadly, there will only be a few chapters left in this story, which marks the first completed fanfiction I've ever written (excluding one-shots). But fear not! This chapter is (I think) the longest yet, so you get more prose for your time. Please enjoy, and do pardon my erratic updating schedule. I will be more timely from now on.

Disclaimer: NO! I DON'T OWN IT! IF I DID, THIS WOULD BE CANON!!

* * *

Sokka held true to his 'never speaking to me again' threat... until we arrived at the house, that is. "She's not coming in here," he said defiantly, crossing his arms in a habit he obviously picked up from Katara. "She can sleep in the yard."

"Sokka, is it?" Tenku asked arrogantly. "Why do you have to be such a little shit?"

"_That_ does it!" He had half-swung his boomerang when the door suddenly flew open. "Oh, thank goodness you're back!" exclaimed Katara in a slightly too sweet voice. "We were so worried about you two!"

I blinked, confused. "What's going on?" Katara was no longer dressed in her usual blue dress. If anything, with her new dress, apron and hairstyle, she looked like a teenage Earth Kingdom housewife. Toph sat on a pile of pillows in the background, dressed in a frilly pink dress that she wouldn't have worn at all if she could see. Her hair was tied up in pigtails, and she was deep in an obviously set-up conversation with the Avatar, who was dressed like a student in the Earthbending school down the road.

In short, they were up to something.

"Hi, you must be Tenku," Katara said sweetly. "I'm Katara. Will you be staying for dinner?"

Suddenly, Psycho-Amnesia-Bitch was all charm. "Oh, I wouldn't want to impose," she said. "I just came by to visit. I've heard so many wonderful things about you, Katara!"

"What's going on?" I repeated, a bit louder. "Katara, why is Toph wearing that dress?"

She reached out to hug me and Sokka in turn, but as she squeezed my ribs, she muttered, "Play along if you want to get rid of her," then said in a normal voice, "You three must be hungry. I've been cooking all day, so Sokka, you better not have got anything at the market." She swatted him with a wooden spoon that I'm positive was just a prop.

"Uh, no, I didn't," he said, obviously trying to play along while still being pissed off at me.

"Good. Now, why don't you go entertain your brother for a little while and Tenku and I can get to know each other." She extended an arm to Tenku, who gratefully took it as Katara led her away to the kitchen.

I blinked. "My brother?" I repeated.

"That's me!" the Avatar said gleefully. "Toph is my friend from school, and you're my older brother!"

"This can_ not_ be good," I groaned, sitting on a cushion next to 'him'.

Sokka made a slight huffing noise as he sat next to Toph. "I don't want that _thing_ in here!" he snapped. "I say we kill her AND her devil-spawn bastard kid and be done with it!"

Toph sniggered. "Careful, Sokka. That 'devil-spawn bastard kid' might be Zuko's!" She laughed loudly, the Avatar snickered weakly, and Sokka just glared.

"Probably is."

"Honestly, Sokka, is she really that bad?" asked the Avatar curiously.

"No!" shouted Sokka. "She's worse! She's filth, she's ugly, she's a slimy _Earthbender_—no offence, Toph."

"None taken."

"And to top it off, she probably paid some hobo to impregnate her because she couldn't work up the nerve to do anything besides stalk Zuko!"

I smirked. Oh, I SO win! He's not pissed at me! He's pissed at her for being _near_ me! He's _jealous_! Priceless.

"All the more reason we have to find out who knocked her up," I agreed, trying not to piss him off further. "If people think it's mine and I'm walking out on her, I'll probably get ambushed in some dark alley at midnight! That, or the Dai Li could _force_ me to stay with her!"

He gaped. "They can't do that!" he exclaimed in disbelief. "That's just wrong!"

"Hey Sokka," taunted Toph. "Maybe I should have some hobo knock _me_ up! Then you and Zuko can _both_ join the 'I'm-not-that-kid's-father' club!"

"Go to hell," grumbled Sokka.

The Avatar was just starting to look very uncomfortable with our topic when Katara's voice cut his suffering short. "Sokka! Zuko! Tell Toph and Aang dinner's ready!"

"You heard her," Sokka groaned. "Let's get this over with."

In the dining room, Katara had gone all out with dinner. I suspected it was take-out from the diner down the street, but I kept my mouth shut.

"Well, everyone, where are your manners?" Katara finally exclaimed after five minutes of silence. "We have two guests in the house tonight, and nobody's thought to make introductions!" She turned to Tenku. "I am so sorry about them. My brother's been so grumpy lately."

"Your brother?" she asked.

"Yes, Sokka. I'm sorry if his behavior has been questionable."

Tenku laughed airily, and waved it off with her hand. "Oh, it's nothing. I had an older brother too, you know."

"Did you? Oh, then you must know exactly what I mean."

"Older brothers aren't so bad," said the Avatar through a mouthful of food. "Toph, you've met my brother, right?"

"Oh, yes," she continued, making an excellent show of continuing a well-rehearsed conversation. "He picks you up from school."

Katara beamed, obviously glad that Toph's acting skills were so great. Honestly, I was a bit surprised at how convincing she sounded. Almost as though she was nobility...

"Well, since everyone's being rather moody tonight, I'll make the introductions, shall I?" Katara said finally. "Tenku, this is Aang and his friend Toph. They're in the same class at the academy."

"Pleasure to meet you," said Tenku. "And of course I already know Sokka and Li."

"Li?" Katara arched an eyebrow, obviously not knowing of my amazing alias. Then she got it. "Uh, I mean... I didn't realize you two knew each other so well."

"Oh, it was a very quick relationship," she said airily.

"You can say that again," Sokka grumbled.

"What was that?" Tenku asked sharply.

Sokka rolled his eyes "I didn't say anything," he said, adding "Tramp," in an undertone.

"Okay, that does it!" shrieked Tenku, jumping to her feet. "You don't have to treat me like scum just because he chose me over you! Get over yourself!"

Oh great. More drama. Last thing I need.

"Uh, I'm going to get some water..." I said, looking for an excuse to leave the room.

But, alas, hell hath no fury like Tenku on the warpath. "Sit down!" she shouted at me, just as Sokka got to his feet as well.

"I don't care if you're pregnant or not, you cum-guzzling sperm-bank!" he bellowed, making Toph and Aang jump. Even Katara looked shocked, and that's saying something, seeing as she grew up with him. "He never chose you over me! The only reason you're here is because he thinks you have a concussion!"

Sokka's words seemed to echo, but I think it was just the shock of him ousting _us_ in front of everyone in the house. "Um, I think something's burning in the oven," said Katara, her voice slightly higher than usual.

"You want some help with that, Katara?" offered the Avatar, scurrying after her.

I glared at Toph, but she just leaned back in her seat. "Just pretend I'm not here," she said. "I wouldn't miss this for the world."

Tenku shook with rage, so I decided to do something nice to calm her down. "Let's take this outside," I offered. "Toph sees better when she's standing in the dirt." I opened the door, graciously allowing Toph to go first.

"Why thank you. How considerate of—"

I slammed the door in her face and locked her out.

Hey, I didn't say I was going to be nice to _her_...

Tenku didn't seem to have calmed down one bit. "I do _not_ have a concussion, Sokka," she snarled. "You just can't accept that Li is in love with me! Not you!"

"Well, he kissed me. That's more than you can say, you whore!"

"I'm pregnant with his baby!" shrieked Tenku. "I'm four months in!"

Katara's voice cut through the argument from absolutely nowhere. "It's not his, Tenku," she said with absolute certainty.

"What?" exclaimed me, Sokka and Tenku at the same time.

"He wasn't in Ba Sing Se four months ago. He wasn't even in the Earth Kingdom."

Tenku's face fell. "He was!" she shrieked. "How else would I be pregnant?"

Katara obviously sensed she was getting nowhere with reasoning. "Look, Tenku, calm down. All this shouting is bad for the baby." She put an arm around Tenku's shoulders and led her to a chair. Suddenly, she grabbed Tenku's arms and forced them behind her back. "Sokka, grab her legs. Zuko, hold her arms."

"Let me go!" she shrieked. "What are you—" Her shouts suddenly stopped, and with that, mercifully, so did her kicking. Katara's water spun rapidly around Tenku's head, looking for some abnormality to heal.

"Just as I thought," said Katara. "Amnesia."

"I knew she hit her head!" cheered Sokka. "Does this mean she'll be gone?"

Katara nodded. "I think she mistook Zuko for her _real_ husband. Once she remembers, she shouldn't want to hang out around here."

"Good," said Toph, storming in the back door. "Can I _please_ take this ridiculous thing off?" She gestured to her frilly dress, which was now rather dusty.

"Sure. I hid your clothes in Sokka's bag."

"I knew it!"

Katara finally pulled her hands back, and Tenku collapsed into the chair, asleep. Everything was quiet for a moment.

"So... is it over?" I asked warily.

Katara nodded. "Yeah. I'm gonna go change out of this dress. Call me if she wakes up, Sokka." Sokka nodded. "You can go now, if you want, Zuko." She closed the door behind her as she left.

Sokka and I stared at Tenku for a moment. "So, I guess that worked," he said finally.

I nodded. "I'm sorry I dragged you into this," I said, unsure of what to say. "Um, I guess I'll just... go..."

I was halfway to the door when I heard Sokka shout from behind me. "Just like that, huh?"

"What?"

"You know damned well what!" he snapped, blocking my path with his arm. "I just spent the better half of today defending you from the one thing you couldn't handle, and after all that, you're just going to—"

Some guys just don't know when to shut up. Others, like Sokka, know how to push people just far enough so they'll do what they want. And, as it turned out, silencing him with a harsh kiss was exactly what he wanted me to do.

It was the alleyway all over again, just more intense. Maybe it was because no one was around. Maybe it was because that last doubt in Sokka's mind had vanished. Maybe it was the same with me. Or, maybe I just didn't give a flying fuck about what I was doing anymore.

Whatever the reason, it left me panting against his chest, mentally smacking myself for forgetting to breathe. Again. Did I mention he was a good kisser? Well, he is.

Before I had a chance to catch my breath, however, he pulled me back to him, kissing me harder than before, if possible. I felt his nails digging into my shoulders as he pulled me down on top of him, but instead of pulling back, I just pushed harder against him. After all these years, I guess physical pain isn't a problem for me.

"Sokka," I finally managed to gasp, pushing back the fraction of an inch I needed to breathe. "Sokka, stop."

"Why?" he panted, resting his head on my shoulder.

I nodded in the direction of the hall door. "That's why." He glanced where I indicated, and, following two feminine squeaks, the door slammed fully shut.

"Voyeurs," grumbled Sokka.

* * *

And that is where I leave you. Sorry, I wanted to get to the lemon, but this part had to be written, and I forgot that Tenku was still unconscious in the room... Next chapter will be all lemon, I promise!! And I'll put a helluva lot of effort into it, so you won't be disappointed! (Again, sorry about the update time. I'll follow a better schedule in the future.) 


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